Reluctantly Sharing My Unoriginal Thoughts

She-who-must-not-be-named

2012-02-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

As already established in a previous post, I am hooked on a certain reality tv show. It is so ridiculous, and I love it.

The best Valentine's day gift I could have received today would have been Courtney (the skinny-dipping whore) getting kicked off The Bachelor. I didn't think I could listen any longer to her vapid, self-centered monologues in her whiny, baby-talk voice. Unfortunately, Ben continued to make his decisions with his crotch and decided to keep this manipulative chica. Uggggh.

I have never* hated someone as much as I hate her. That includes Voldemort. This woman is worse than the dark lord. And I think she's more dangerous. She didn't have a soul to begin with, so nothing can be done to destroy her. We should all be concerned.

*in fiction or real life - this show is a mix of the two

(no title)

2012-02-11T11:32:00.001-07:00

I may need new sheets. Or I need to stop wearing my knife socks to bed. They're rather stabby.

New

2012-02-02T15:25:00.006-07:00

I've decided I'm changing the name of this ridiculous blog of mine. I've been meaning to for nearly a year but successfully procrastinated until this point. The somewhat passive aggressive title that I gave it 3.5 years ago when I was forced to blog for my religion class is no longer applicable. My professor at the time made us post something gospel-related every week, and I was not pleased about it in the least, hence the current title. Slowly, at some point in the following 8 months in his classes, I decided that I would continue to post but in a less contrived way (all those posts were deleted long ago anyway). The title stayed, though no longer accurate. And now, I've just grown tired of it, and it needs to go.

Over the past month, I've collected (mostly suggested by others) possible new names and present my favorite ones here now.

Look over the six options and let me know what you think (please?): Loading...

**Yes, I do realize this is a rather lame post. However, of all the other potential posts I've considered lately, this is the most sane and least eye-roll-inducing. Trust me. You've all dodged a bullet.

(no title)

2012-01-29T09:24:00.001-07:00

My current version of matches: pieces of cardboard + my gas stove
I may easily burn down my house soon.

Oh no...

2012-01-18T14:31:00.001-07:00

Sign my life lately has been too much work & far too little pie baking: while making a recent pie crust, all I could think was, "I shouldn't be doing this without gloves!"

Perhaps

2012-01-14T17:32:00.007-07:00

Attempted cures for a not-so-great Friday of a not-so-great week:

1) 75 minute yoga class

2) Long shower + lotion + favorite perfume

3) Excessive eye make-up, in spite of having no plans to go out

4) Movie rentals - Bridesmaids & Midnight in Paris

5) Favorite tights + new flats

6) Diet Coke. Oh so much Diet Coke

7) PB Pie - baking & eating

8) This Iron & Wine song on repeat all night

9) Driving fast for no reason whatsoever

10) Scriptures

11) John Wayne

12) Finding that breaking point & feeling gratitude for the release

Saturday has been a bit better. Not great. But some improvement.

2 things

2012-01-11T11:01:00.001-07:00

1. I got an iPhone (yay!) and an Instagram account, so brace yourself for a flood of 1970's-esque, cliche photos.

2. Proving the above point:

The flame on this Bunsen burner is 4 inches high. Getting to use it just makes my work day so much better. People at work even know how much I'm obsessed with fire, and they still let me operate it. Fools.

Placeholder**

2011-12-29T21:51:00.005-07:00

What up, hoes?! I've gone nearsighted. I promise. Those glasses are real. And I'm going to use this as an explanation (::cough:: excuse) for any questionable driving maneuvers I've made in the past 6 months. I have had trouble seeing. And, as far as we know, I did not kill anyone. Well, there was that one thing...but we drove off too fast to know what actually happened...so, yeah...it's all good, right?

**Lots of people have asked me why I haven't updated this recently. In my head, "lots" means two with one of them being your sister. This counts as a post, I think. I mean, I had open Photobooth and take a picture. Very involved. It just plum wore me out.

"Need"

2011-11-19T09:39:00.002-07:00

New Boston Friend: [looking around my room] Why do you have 3 sticks in here?

Me: Oh, that one is my sword and those two are my wands.

NBF: You found these here in Boston?

Me: No, I've had them for a bit. I had them sent with my other stuff.

NBF: [blink - long pause] You paid to have sticks sent cross-country?

Me: Yeah...well...I needed them.

I laughed so hard I fell off my bed

2011-11-17T07:26:00.002-07:00

Probably the best thing anyone has ever sent me via email:

"She's only known you for a few months but she's already decided that you're an unlovable, stone-hearted harpy with wings made of righteous indignation and tampons, who feasts upon the eyeballs of the entrenched patriarchy? Doesn't it take most people a lot longer to figure that out about you?"

Courtesy of Steve Rammell.

Father of the Bride Part II

2011-11-13T21:01:00.001-07:00

While nowhere near as good as the first, this movie is worth watching, if only for this one line.

NATW

2011-11-13T19:40:00.005-07:00

After St. Vincent last Friday, I saw Noah and the Whale the following night. I was slightly concerned the previous evening had set the bar too high, but they did not disappoint.

Beautiful curly-haired boys in perfectly-cut suits. Oh so glorious.

They stole my heart so completely and had me weak in the knees the whole night.

P.S. They started playing Blue Skies, and (of course) I got emotional. I was thrown back to a day in April, driving on the freeway and weeping along to this song. It took every ounce of faith I had to think that those lyrics might be true. That blue would soon enough displace the gray.

Laughing with a mouth of blood

2011-11-13T19:30:00.003-07:00

Last Friday night, I took advantage of what Boston has to offer and saw St. Vincent in concert. Not only is she mesmerizingly beautiful, but she gave the most phenomenal performance I have ever seen. It was incredible.

Just before playing her song "Cruel", she described this video and ended with the most inspirational perspective I've heard in a long time.

"After failing at everything given me, they bury me alive. But, it has a happy ending, you see. I go out singing."

I'm adopting that perspective. Take your best shot, life. I may fail wildly, but I'm going down singing.

Today in the lab

2011-11-02T15:33:00.003-06:00

Evan wore a light and dark green striped sweater. Bridget had on a forest green cardigan. I sported my new pink striped shirt.

The pattern was clear almost immediately.

We spent the remainder of the day going up to other researchers and saying, "We're a venn diagram. Which one of us is in the middle?"

This lab rocks.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-29T08:47:00.003-06:00

I may not be dressing-up this year, but if I had to choose, I would be Cookie Monster again in a heartbeat.

Age 3 - Cookie Monster

Age 5 - shark

Age 7 - cheerleader

Age 9 - Princess Leia

Age 10 - cow

Success!

2011-10-28T22:50:00.005-06:00

(via)

The fact that over a half dozen people have sent me this picture makes me so incredibly happy. It indicates that I have successfully distilled my personality down to two distinct, memorable characteristics. Multi-dimensionality is overrated. I love my two pieces. I'm like the annoying, underdeveloped best friend in every poorly-written chick flick - I am pies and venn diagrams*. Pretty much sums it all up. No one need inquire further or search any deeper.

*I should bring this picture on blind dates and just whip it out when given the annoying "Tell me about yourself" line. Why waste the breath, right?

You're invited

2011-10-28T22:45:00.005-06:00

If you're reading this, I likely know and like you. (If one or both aren't the case, the invitation still stands.) Come visit me! Since I'll put you up for free, it really won't be a costly trip. And I promise adventures of whatever flavor you desire.

Seriously, come see me.

Willard Homer Longhurst (1925-2011)

2011-10-28T22:08:00.004-06:00

"I hate 2011," I told my mom while the tears kept streaking down my face. "I'm tired of being forced to say goodbye."

The only grandpa I ever knew was the kindest, gentlest, strongest man I've met. I so look forward to seeing him again.

2011 has made one point clear: cherish the love that surrounds you whenever you can.

September 4, 2011

Home

2011-10-28T22:01:00.003-06:00

I really miss these two. Especially because I sincerely enjoy the people they are becoming. Both now officially teenagers, they are each 10x cooler than I am or ever will be.

August 2011

September 2011

(no title)

2011-10-28T21:49:00.003-06:00

Boys in a treehouse - the perfect Saturday night

September 2011

You might want to brace yourself

2011-10-28T21:39:00.002-06:00

Tonight:

homesickness + nostalgia + forgotten and rediscovered photos + mellow music = blogging mood

I have so many things I'd like to say but think I'll only manage to spit out a few lines of text. However, I do have some lovely* pictures to post.

*meaning I love the people in them

Tonights song:

Post script: Also, this song by them, which always makes me cry. Always. Especially on the subway.

Post post script: For the past two days, these two (first, second) songs have taken turns sticking in my head, directed at no one in particular. Who wants to tell me what's wrong with me?

"I don't have any work clothes with me, so I'm just going to have to paint without my pants on. You've been warned."

2011-10-12T18:01:00.004-06:00

I painted my new room! Exclamation points! !!! !!

Every year I lived in college housing I dreamed of what it would be like when I was finally allowed to paint. (Not really sure if I was allowed to here either. The lease was a bit vague. I quickly decided I didn't care and went for it.) Upon picking out these colors (lemon pound cake & porpoise) at Home Depot, the paint guy asked, "Really? I don't think these go together." Fool, just give me my paint.

I am so happy with the result. I am going to turn the window area into a book nook once my books arrive and I buy bookshelves and a chair. But first, I need to get a mattress and a bed and a dresser and a mirror and some bedding and... (You get the idea. I have absolutely no furniture.)

Before - oh so boring

After - yay!

In honor of my new science-y job

2011-10-12T17:47:00.001-06:00

I love my new, super-nerdy job. I feel so at home in the laboratory that I seriously considered going in on Saturday without pay just because it sounded like the most fun I could have. To celebrate my nature as a science freak and to (hopefully) make you laugh (and to add some pictures to this somber-looking blog), here are my favorite Chemistry Cat bits:

Something of an update

2011-10-12T17:40:00.001-06:00

Unemployment over! As of a few weeks ago, I now live in Boston and work at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center doing cardiology research.

In bullet point form, here is a summary of my life:

-1.5 weeks of homelessness (in a hostel) in Boston

-Frantically searching for an apartment and spending every bit of my bank account on first month's+last month's rent+security deposit+realtor's fee

-Awesome new roommate, Ally, who has devoted more time cleaning our used couch than third-world workers spent making it

-An official grown-up, adult job with benefits, salary, and decisions I don't understand ("What the heck is a flexible spending account?" "I have to do what now if I want a 401k? Stop using words I didn't know existed.")

-1 hour commute each way to work - 9+ hour work days (okay because I love my job)

-Asleep before 9pm each night

-Adjusting (slowly) to everything new - part of me wants to catch the first flight back home, but I committed to this, so I'll grit my teeth and stick it out

Can I get some corporate sponsorship up in here?

2011-09-09T02:57:00.005-06:00

I was organizing my closet tonight (because that's how I party hard here in Spokane, WA) & noticed how much my love of Banana Republic had overtaken my wardrobe. This is what happens when they put a factory store just a short drive away & you get bored far too often in Provo - your closet becomes dominated.

Of the clothes I wear (worn once within the past 12 months), this is my wardrobe:

I should really be getting some money from the company for both my closet & this post. I can accept both check or store credit.

"I want that."

2011-08-20T17:27:00.002-06:00

I have a fairly strong, not-so-secret hatred of those wood decoration plaques (example). However, if someone gave this to me, I think I would hug them for an hour.

(via)

(no title)

2011-08-16T22:47:00.000-06:00

August 11th & 12th

Dear Provo,

Yes, I’m back. With all our history I realize that this visit could be significant.

Please don’t read too much into this. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to return but only to be reminded one last time of the all that you were to me.

I don’t feel bad in saying I’ve moved on. I’ve already had a one-weekend fling with New York City (a relationship which, by the way, I believe, has the potential to be the real deal/to go the distance) and an unexpected summer romance with Austin. It’s not fair or even possible to compare you to the others but it was clear that this version of me, the me that you were so integral in helping to shape and define, needs more than you have to offer.

I will miss you. I do miss you. I miss the moments of magic and surprise that we had. I miss the stability and perspective you provided. You helped ground me while at the same time pushed me beyond my limitations. When it comes down to it, though, most of what I feel is nostalgia and returning to you will never bring back those countless moments of happiness that you presented me.

However, I left when I needed. Our relationship had run its course; there was little to be gained by us staying together. Our separation is for the best.

My heart hurts a bit when I think about how we’re apart. Within you are so many people and things I love dearly. But we both knew from the beginning that it had to end sometime. You were never going to be my one and only.

I love you, Provo.

Nostalgically, Hannabeth

Oh crap...

2011-08-16T20:16:00.004-06:00

"Did our car just die in the middle-of-nowhere Idaho?"

Yes, that's exactly what happened. Come over here, Luigi, and teach me the rubik's cube while we sit here and wait for a tow truck.

I enjoyed this much more than I expected

2011-08-16T20:11:00.003-06:00

This seemed like a good idea before it was 4am

2011-08-16T20:10:00.000-06:00

Austin to Phoenix - 1,035 miles

Ways to make a road trip memorable:

1) take it in a truck with no AC and a driver's-side window that won't roll down (make sure it's August in the middle of a heatwave)

2) leave at 11pm and drive all night and into the next day

3) listen to A LOT of hip hop (probably much more than the boy in your car would like) (this song is my favorite - pretty much always on repeat)

4) give the boy the camera & then watch him take over a hundred picture of trains

5) have a tire blowout and run out of gas SIMULTANEOUSLY - me: "[car sputtering] Oh crap, we just ran out of gas." boy: "Uhh...we just blew a tire. Stop the car. Stop right now."

Don't worry, we had a spare. We just didn't have a jack. Dang it.

Three

2011-07-23T10:39:00.005-06:00

Reasons why I am sincerely enjoying Texas (or "How this state surprised me with it's awesomeness"):

1) Rudy's BBQ

(also, Blue Bell ice cream - but I eat that too fast to ever take a picture)

2) This boy, who likes to set things on fire as much, if not more, as I do. Perfect.

3) Pie pie pie pie & that wicked cool truck (it's a toss-up as to which is better)

"I'm sorry. I didn't know this was happening today."

2011-07-23T10:31:00.003-06:00

With hundreds of photos of her taken since I've arrived in Texas, I couldn't help but compile some of the best shots of Chantelle into a collage.

Chant-age Parts I & II:

She's gonna kill me. Worth it.

(no title)

2011-07-23T10:22:00.004-06:00

This is my lame attempt at an update (I really don't feel like writing much - I'll give ya some pictures in a bit.). Here's some things:

1) I have learned that I can and will eat my weight in Blue Bell ice cream on an almost daily basis.

2) I've made 9 pies since I've arrived, bringing the Summer of Pie total to 23.

3) There are a number of words which I have trouble saying, including wasp(s), nest, zero, and specific. Fortunately, I get to say these about 100 times a day on the phone to people who can't help but think I'm an idiot.

4) My roommates are a very newly wed couple (the bride just barely turned 19 and he's 2 years younger than I am). It's exactly what you would think it would be like. [Awkward.]

WTF?!

2011-06-25T17:57:00.003-06:00

Uhh...what the heck gmail? What on earth did I do to make you believe I needed any products related to breastfeeding? I don't think I've ever even thought about breastfeeding while on my email, let alone sent or received something about it.

Video Unrelated

2011-06-25T12:15:00.002-06:00

My 12 day trip to Texas has extended to be a couple months longer. This is great for a number of reasons, one of which is that I can continue to practice my extreme sweating skills. I'm like a superhero: From clean & fresh to smelly & drenched in 29.3 seconds

Also, I really love this video, especially the venn diagram.

I am talented

2011-06-13T16:47:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was our Relief Society lesson on talents. We had to list those we had and those we wanted to develop. My list of "talents I have" had 3 items on it until Chantelle added the fourth (I feel like it's a fair list). I can't remember everything on my second list, but clearly, I have some work to do. Okay, self, get going.

Talents I have:

getting lost

able to fall asleep anywhere

pie?

mean

Talents I want:

social skills

patience

flirting

fast reading

throw a punch

body roll

articulate

ability to shut-up/a better filter

New Vocabulary

2011-06-13T12:16:00.004-06:00

If it wasn't already clear, I have an addiction to a rather ridiculous, trashy reality TV show. While there was a point in my life where I was more secretive about this, I've decided (for the sake of the following anecdote) that it's time to come forward.

Hi, I'm Hannabeth and I love The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

You are now free to judge me.

Last week, Chantelle and I were watching the show with her 15 year-old sister, Ali. True to form, I was incessantly commenting on what was happening and sharing my overabundance of criticisms of the contestants. At one point, I referred to Bentley as a douche*. (Oops...forgot people can be offended by that word...)

At dinner the next night, Ali was rambling on about the drama of the episode and says, "Ohmygosh and then there's Bentley and he is such deuce...no, deutche?" [Cut to us cracking-up and my attempts to apologize to her parents] "No, really Chantelle, what was that word? He's such a deutche, right?"

I just need to stop talking almost all of the time.

*I'm not the only one who has this opinion of him. Read this, if you want a laugh.

"People think dreams aren't real because they aren't made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real..." -John Dee

2011-06-12T00:01:00.004-06:00

Well, I'm back to dreaming about snakes again, which, after far too many weeks of this, is a relief. Last night's imagination served-up a 30-foot, highly-evolved, yellow python that was covered in bright orange spikes. It was incredibly terrifying (understatement), but honestly, I awoke happy that my old nightmares have returned, leaving that recent nightmarish reality a bit more behind.

I'm coming up for air.

(sabino)

Howdy

2011-06-09T18:31:00.003-06:00

I'm "working" on my Texas drawl while I'm down in Austin for a couple of weeks. I really can't make it sound like anything close to the correct accent. Instead, I just change my voice (oops) and end-up sounding like a cartoon mouse. At least it gets everybody around me laughing, right?

Also, I'm on the lookout for Brad, since, you know, he should be in the area.

"People are strange" -Amy

2011-06-06T23:57:00.004-06:00

This weekend was magical. That's the only word for it. Amy flew into Seattle on Wednesday where we spent a day-and-a-half before driving back to Spokane for a couple more days of merriment. It's impossible to describe the dozens of ways things aligned perfectly to make this visit magical, but I'll try to offer up a few.

1) The pie shop: Holy freakin' crap. We didn't even plan this stop but stumbled upon it accidentally. (Actually, we were most likely lead there, either by the Spirit or one of the gods of pie. Whoever it was, we appreciated the prompting.) Just the existence of a place called "PIE" made me giddy but to make it even better, the food was superb. I want to go back and ask to watch while they make the crusts. Best pastry dough I've ever had.

Here my body is so full of excitement, I'm nearly in a state of spasm. (Just check out my left arm.)

You better believe I bought one of those shirts. Also, Amy looks gorgeous eating pie, probably because she is overjoyed by the whole experience.

2) Tour of Theo chocolate factory: What's better than a tour of a chocolate factory? Did you answer 'getting to eat bunches of chocolate throughout the tour and wearing wicked hot hairnets the whole time'? You are correct. Oh man, on this tour we got to taste chocolate with "a lot of complexities" and learn about farming ("the most interesting and exciting part" of the process - obviously. I mean, that's the whole reason I wanted to take the tour. I felt a hole in my knowledge of cocoa farming that needed to be filled.).

Amy works a hairnet like nobody's business.

3) Getting our butts saved at IKEA while trying to tie down a mattress in the back of my truck with the saddest spool of twine you've ever seen: To say we were ill-equipped for that job would be the politest way to express how screwed we were without actually swearing. Fortunately for us, two of the kindest people I have ever met pulled up and insisted on helping us. Cookie (her real name), a tanned, tiny, perky 52 year-old almost-grandma who likes to bounce and punch the air when she gets excited, and her husband not only took the time to help us but gave us (for free! like it was no big deal!) the rather expensive materials we needed to strap everything down. I am still in awe at how generous and helpful these people were. They both looked a little rough around the edges and based on their appearances, would never have been someone I would have expected to care. (I seriously need to work on being less judgmental. Thank you for the reminder, Heavenly Father. I needed it.)

Amy summed it up best as we pulled away and said, "I've been going to church every Sunday for my whole life to learn to be as good as those two." Me too, Ames. I need to do better.

4 to 18) Hungover salesman on a Seattle corner - Car dancing - This song - Long walk with the dog on the bluff - Crafts (cards, rings, necklaces) - Bike ride - Bakery - Dating epiphanies - Trashy reality tv - jumping on beds at IKEA - Amy's DJ abilities - inside jokes - Anthropologie shopping (twice) - getting lost in who-knows-where Seattle - sharing a futon all night (while I invaded her personal space)

Wonderful wonderful weekend. Thanks Amy! You're amazing.

Next stop pour moi: Texas (yee haw!)

(no title)

2011-06-06T23:49:00.004-06:00

When I'm especially lucky, I get to spend some time with these kids, who are part of one of the cutest families I know. (Maddy, I hope you don't mind that I posted these. They are just too adorable not to share.) This time while Ezra was over he informed me during the construction of both tinker toys and the train set that I was doing it "all wrong" and just needed to "listen to [him] all the time". Good call, bud. I'll only listen to you from now on.

Ezra (age 4) & Reese (17 months)

Seiously, how cute are they?!

Pies #12-14, May 30th

2011-05-31T14:44:00.004-06:00

My sister, Maria, requested I make her an entire pie for her to take to school and eat for lunch with her friends. Of course, I couldn't make a pie and not have any of it, so I experimented by making mini versions of the recipe in a muffin tin. Not my most attractive baking result, but they are rather cute and delicious.

Pies #12 & 13: Peanut butter and chocolate pie & mini-pies

Pie #14: Strawberry summer cake (Recipe found here. Perhaps my favorite yet. Okay, it's technically a cake but it was meant to be baked in a pie dish, so I say it counts.)

Today's baking songs:

The Line by Noah and the Whale

Don't think twice, it's all right by Bob Dylan

My weekend of sleep deprivation

2011-05-25T15:19:00.001-06:00

I flew to NY this Saturday for an interview. (Fingers crossed, knock on wood, all that lucky stuff - I really hope I get it). Over the three nights I was there, I got a total of 10 hours of sleep. Here's hoping they want to hire a zombie because that's what I resembled by the time my interview rolled around.

Now, a random collection of highlights from the trip:

I could not find ANY room for less than $300 on Saturday night. Since my flight didn't arrive until midnight, I just decided to "sleep" in the airport terminal. Needless to say, I didn't sleep but stayed awake to keep a protective grip on my belongings. Here's a lovely picture of me at 3:37 am with no make-up and hair that makes me look like a soaking wet muskrat. However, at this moment, I was most concerned with not getting my hair stuck in one of the many chewed gum wads just above my head.

Amazingly, the JFK baggage terminal turned out to be better than my hostel once I finally arrived there Sunday morning. I've stayed at cheap hostels before, so I don't think my expectations were too high. This place didn't have toilet paper. It had several "well used" bathrooms but no toilet paper.

In other trip news, I figured out why the rapture didn't come. There was a grammatical error on the advertisement announcing its coming ("Judgment Day: May 21, 2011").

I really think they meant to include a hyphen. Unless, of course, it's a podcast of God raving about awesome music, which is a possibility, I suppose.

I'm pretty sure God cares about proper grammer and when he saw this error, realized he had to postpone the date until they could get it right. Mystery solved.

Final tidbit: this really friendly kid at the hostel told me multiple times that I looked like a "party girl". When he caught me reading, he was clearly surprised and said he couldn't believe I was a nerd. "You have to be a party girl. Yeah, I can tell. You like to party." Later, he started saying I looked exactly like Rachel McAdams.

I am going to take both of these associations as compliments. I have never ever, not once been told either. For the sake of comparison, please refer to the picture below:

Obviously, we are the same person. I don't know how I didn't see it before. It's like looking in a mirror.

Pies #9-11, May 16th

2011-05-25T13:11:00.003-06:00

Pie #9: Lemon tart

Pie #10: Brie and Apple Custard tart

Pie #11: Pumpkin pie (again - boring, I know)

Baking songs: no idea (I procrastinated this post so long that I can't remember what I listened to - yay laziness!)

Dealbreaker!

2011-05-19T23:30:00.000-06:00

I swear, sometimes I need a past or future version of myself (either will work) to come and slap sense into me.

"[Whack, whack] Shut it down, nerd. You know better."

The next 366* days

2011-05-19T15:06:00.001-06:00

Last year on my birthday I resolved that the upcoming year was going to be better than the last. I would take the steps I needed to let positive influences into my life and remove those internal and external influences that were bringing me down. I think it worked. Many of the wonderful experiences I had this last year resulted from my efforts to accomplish this goal.

I don't think I can make the same goal for the future 12 months. This year most certainly had its lows (perhaps the lowest I've ever experienced), but there were great highs and those would be difficult to match. Instead, this year, I have a list (because I couldn't figure out how to make this a venn diagram). Obviously, in many ways it's hokey, but it's what I want/need. (EDIT: Actually, this list isn't exactly hokey. It just makes me look like a hot mess, which I suppose I am right now...so...yeah...here's the list to accompany my disaster of a life...)

Things I want for my 24th year:

-spend less time looking in the mirror and care less about what I see reflected there

-be vulnerable, it opens the door for opportunities [not weak - keep your backbone]

-do things to stretch your introverted self (ex- talk to a stranger on public transportation, go to a big party, make a "stupid" comment at church)

-trust others, most people have good intentions (it's part of being vulnerable - you can't entirely protect yourself from hurt)

-hold to a stable feeling of self-worth

-don't allow those who are toxic or overly critical to influence your life (when they think you're mediocre, you begin to believe it yourself)

-know your dealbreakers and walk away when they appear, no matter what the relationship

So, there we go. I have a year to work and struggle with this dang list. I will be in a better place next year. I have faith that I will. There is hope for the future, happiness to experience, love to give. I can do this. I can do this alone.

(*Check it. It's a leap year.)

"Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another." -Lemony Snicket

2011-05-14T18:02:00.004-06:00

It's time for the 2nd Annual Book List for Amy and Hannabeth in venn diagram form. (If you've spent much time around me at all, you'll know I have a small obsession with venn diagrams.) Last year's venn book list was a hit, so we're doing it again, even though we are now hundred of miles apart. (Maybe that's even more of a reason to do it.)

We have until September. Amy, ya ready? Go.

Pie #8, May 13th

2011-05-14T14:52:00.005-06:00

This was my first attempt at making tartlets. They may not look that great (not really an artist here), but at least they taste good.

Pie #8: Chocolate cream pie - oh, yum!

Today's baking song: Get me bodied by Beyonce (Pandora was giving me lots of this and Destiny's Child yesterday. It was great.)

(no title)

2011-05-14T14:43:00.001-06:00

I've been taking Theo on a lot of walks lately. We hike up and down the trails on the nearby bluff for hours at a time. It's glorious. I'm quickly becoming the dog's favorite person.

That archway of trees was always my favorite place to run when I was in high school. If I could get married outside, it would be there, most certainly.

The Very Belated Mother's Day Post

2011-05-14T14:17:00.002-06:00

My mom is awesome, and this weekend just helped reinforce that fact. While we should have been focusing on her this Mother's Day, she planned a getaway for the family to help divert attention from what I knew would be a tough weekend. We spent the weekend at a secluded cabin on Priest Lake in Idaho. It was cozy and warm and wonderfully distracting.

So, here's to my fantastic mom and her lifetime of friendship she's given me.

P.S. Did I mention I SUCK as a daughter? I lost her gift, so she didn't receive anything on Sunday. Crap.

Il ya quatre semaines

2011-05-13T11:31:00.002-06:00

(ohara)

(no title)

2011-05-12T11:06:00.001-06:00

I woke-up yesterday with my mom giving me a puzzled look. "I promise I had a shirt on when I went to sleep," I explained. I found it crumpled on the floor a few feet from the bed.

Obviously, it was a fitful night of sleep, which I am going to blame on the complex and exhausting dream that seemed to last forever. It was not pleasant. I really don't appreciate my subconscious leading me to believe I can re-write the past.

Could someone come incept me? I'm tired of the world my own mind creates and would rather exist in another person's design while I am asleep.

(no title)

2011-05-12T09:57:00.002-06:00

"to be alive at all is to have scars" -john steinbeck

(ohara)

(brunette bombshell)

The Incident

2011-05-10T19:57:00.005-06:00

On Friday night, Luigi and I had a ninja-style sock fight for 20 minutes. Instead of doing our chores like everyone else, we slipped tube socks over our hands and whipped the hanging ends at one another, aiming specifically for the face or neck. In the middle of one of the battles, Luigi, clearly knowing I had him beat in skill, decided to fall down the stairs. Well, he didn’t really decide, more like stepped off the landing not realizing the stairs were there and fell down them backwards. Of course, that didn’t stop us from playing for another 5 minutes until we were compelled to begin cleaning again.

The two of us then went out to dinner and came back home to watch a movie. (That’s right – my date on Friday night was my 12 year-old brother. Awesome.) During that time, he complained several times about how much his toe hurt from falling down the stairs. When we finally took off his shoe, we found that it was swollen and three different colors of purple. It was clearly broken. Lovely.

The poor kid has been limping for days. This certainly didn’t happen intentionally. How could you even plan something like that? While it provided some excitement to the weekend, it was by no means the ideal outcome. However, it was also a great distraction. How many people can say that on the eve of what-was-going-to-be-but-no-longer-is your wedding day you broke your brother’s toe because you were whipping a sock in his face? Pretty impressive timing, huh?

Gimme a bat

2011-05-06T23:32:00.002-06:00

This made me laugh so hard tonight that I nearly peed my pants. (Too much sharing?)

I would love that pinata right now. I just want to whack something over and over and over again.

(no title)

2011-05-05T23:06:00.000-06:00

The only way I'm going to make it through the next 72 hours are the small moments of hope I can gather. And help from friends. And prayer, lots and lots of prayers.

These pearls of wisdom are currently helping me:

"After Saturday, this will all be in the past, and you can completely move on." -Amy

(things she loves)

"Just remember [Saturday] isn't your wedding day because it's not supposed to be. Your wedding day is yet to come." -Amy Jo

And my favorite scripture:

"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation." -Isaiah 12:2

Deep breaths. I can make it through this. Almost there.

Pies #6-7, May 4th

2011-05-05T15:13:00.004-06:00

I am thinking about starting a business called "Come eat the extra pie" because it continues to pile up around our house.

What? The solution could be to stop baking so many? Psh, stop being ridiculous. This much baking is clearly a necessity.

Pie #6: Chocolate-Almond Tart with Fleur de Sel (this was my first attempt at a puff pastry, and I gotta say it went surprisingly well)

Pie #7: Cherry Tomato, Mozzarella, and Zucchini Pie (which allows me to have pie for both dinner and dessert - yes!)

Today's baking song: Sexyback (because I really miss my roommates & our weekly canyon drives+car dance parties)

Diner Dinner

2011-05-04T16:37:00.006-06:00

My brother Dominick (the cute one in the middle left picture) works at Hogan's busing tables and cooking great food. After being persuaded by him that I absolutely needed to eat the eggs benedict there, my mom and I had dinner there Monday night. It was so charming and tasted so good. (I'm getting hungry thinking about it. I might need to go there every day he works.) Once again, I forgot to take pictures of the actually food because I was focused on shoving it in my face.

Pies #3-5, April 30th

2011-05-03T18:36:00.004-06:00

Baking is essentially my life now, so I spent 7 hours doing it on Saturday night. The only problem is it is physically impossible for us to eat these pies at the speed I am producing them. We are running out of people to whom we can drop off desserts. So if you want some pie, please please please come eat some (or I can mail it to you - that's how much extra we have).

Pie #3: Pumpkin (which Luigi begged and begged me to make and then only ate the filling. Apparently crust is offensive to him.)

Pie #4: Rustic strawberry galette with basil and marscarpone whipped cream topping

Pie #5: Chocolate hazelnut tart

Baking songs:

-After the Storm by Mumford & Sons

-Amazing by Kanye West (this song saved my life last year)

-2 Atoms in a Molecule by Noah and the Whale (mostly because I laugh at the "stabbed in the heart" line)

Saturday Soccer

2011-05-03T18:29:00.003-06:00

My little brother, Luigi, played a thoroughly impressive soccer game on Saturday. And by thoroughly impressive, I mean that I got tired watching him run that much and he seemed to know what he was doing.

Recent conversations

2011-05-03T02:14:00.002-06:00

Conversation #1: Spinsterhood

Older gentleman at church: "I have no doubt there are great things awaiting you in the future."

Me: "An empty house full of cats?"

(*I'm just trying to embrace what is likely my lot in life. I guess I can get used to it.)

Conversation #2: Prospectives

Another older gentleman at church: "Well, are you interested in any guys?"

Me: "I have a radio crush on Ira Glass. Does that count?"

Because it is a Sunday for testimonies

2011-05-01T23:52:00.002-06:00

I feel I need to qualify this post. Yes, I have felt okay. But any peace I feel is not due to my own ability or actions. Everything I am at the moment, every bit of strength or determination I have is because of the Lord.

Lately, even the slightest withdrawal of the Spirit leaves me feeling dreadful. In those moments, I am given a glimpse of just how broken I am without the constant aid of the Savior. For example, yesterday I was feeling off. That’s the only way to describe it. It was a weird mix of agitation, loneliness, stress, overstimulation, exhaustion, heartbreak, and discontent. There was no single occurrence I could identify to explain my mood. It was just not right, and I was unhappy. Fortunately the house was empty, so I was able to sit quietly and seek heavenly help. I was lead to this talk, and it offered incredible help and hope. While listening, I sobbed the entire 18 minutes. (Big surprise - it seems most of what I do lately is cry.)

“…one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].” -Elder Holland

One of the blessings of this trial is that I am keenly aware of my dependency on the Lord and on the healing and lifting power of the Atonement. My scripture study is more diligent and frequent than usual, often occurring several times each day. I’ve been more faithful at following the command to always have a prayer in your heart, as most of my inner dialogue is communication with Heavenly Father.

Weeks ago, I wrote in my journal: I cannot do this alone. I can’t go on without him. I’m too weak. I can’t.

I was half right. I cannot do this alone because I am far too weak. I crumble so easily as I feel hardship enclose itself around me. The only reason I am still here, getting out bed each morning, standing on my own feet, planning for my future, is because I have been sustained and uplifted by my Heavenly Father and Savior. I am far too mortal and flawed to ever withstand even a fraction of this on my own.

I continue to pray for this hardship to pass. I continue to plead that I can be sustained beyond my own capacities. With the aid of the Lord, the light and hope in my life grows each day, pulling out, bit by bit, the despair that had taken root.

Consider the lilies

(things she loves)

Yay internet!

2011-04-30T11:14:00.009-06:00

Amy solved my problem of yesterday's post. I know I think we are funnier than we are to anyone else, but I was thoroughly amused last night. Thanks for coming to my rescue, Ames. (Note: we are talking about a set of curtains (because that's the cool thing to discuss on a Friday night). You probably still won't think this is funny, but I laugh every time I read it.)

Stir Crazy

2011-04-29T22:21:00.004-06:00

It's Friday night, and I really need people my own age to hang out with. I forgot that was a downside of leaving Provo - while I get my family up here, I left all my friends in the bubble. 20-something-year-olds are sparse in this region. I may need to rethink my plan to avoid socializing with the single's ward this summer because right now I'm going crazy.

Or, better yet, who wants to come visit me in Washington?

Currently, the internet is my only friend. While I could stare at this picture all day, I would like a human to interact with.

"What makes the desert beautiful...is that somewhere it hides a well." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

2011-04-28T10:58:00.008-06:00

I don't want to jinx myself by saying this (so, I am typing this with my fingers crossed), but the last few days have been alright. That's not to say that I haven't felt sad or occasionally lonely, but overall I have been content and optimistic about the next stage of my life. To say the least, these feelings has been a relief, especially since the weekend consisted mostly of a feeling of melancholy and experiencing unpredictable outbursts of sobbing.

Priesthood blessings - Walks with the dog - Photos of people I love - The Gospel of John - Baking pies - Younger siblings - Finishing school - Good books (recommended by friends who know my preferences) - Tina Fey (yeah- her book & show) - Spring flowers

These are all fairly stereotypical "happy" things, but they are bringing light and hope into my life right now. I've cried, whispered, weeped thousands of prayers in the last month, and they have all contained that plea. Please let me find hope. Please let me feel happy, not just distracted, again. Please let me feel at peace, rather than ripped to shreds. Please. Please. Please...

I know healing and getting better happens in waves. I know that I'm likely to dip back down into the "depths of despair", as Anne would say. (I'm guessing that one of those days will be on Saturday in a week and a half, which I anticipate being one of the worst days of my life.) But now I also know that I can feel whole again. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than ever before. I can't have back what I lost, but the Lord will help me feel just as fulfilled and loved and lifted in what remains.

(audrey hepburn complex)

Pie #2 - April 27th

2011-04-27T22:37:00.004-06:00

Chocolate pistachio tart - this thing was an exercise in patience because creating the pistachio paste may have been the most tedious baking chore I've ever done. The end result was a bit ugly but at least it tastes good.

Today's baking song: L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. by Noah and the Whale

Rottweiler

2011-04-26T18:31:00.006-06:00

I met my lovely roommate (and soon to be Parisian mademoiselle), Alyssa, in Coeur d'Alene today for a final goodbye and day of general merriment. It was wonderful. This morning, I was feeling pretty optimistic about where my life is headed, and Alyssa only helped brighten my outlook. Now she's headed to France and has promised to kiss the boys that I was too timid to make a move on when I was there 3 years ago. (Alyssa - I want pictures and details. Don't forget.)

"Wanna superboink?" -Alyssa

This whole toy store was magical and made me feel like an immature child. Perfect.

This bookstore, holy cow...just...wow. It fulfilled all my hopes and dreams of what a used bookstore could be. Walls and piles and heaps of well-loved books. I found this beautiful old copy of East of Eden along with some other gems.

Pie #1 - April 25th

2011-04-26T18:22:00.006-06:00

I've decided that this is going to be the Summer of Pie (anyone?). I kicked it off last night with a strawberry-blackberry pie, since we didn't have any other fruit or chocolate. It tastes good, but I really need to work on getting the pies to end-up less ugly. The lattice top got stained and gooey from the bubbling juices. (If anyone has tips on how to avoid this, send 'em my way.)

Oh gosh, I like pie.

EDIT: I almost forgot. Today's baking song: Folk Bloodbath by Josh Ritter

"Touch me and you'll burn" -Margaret Atwood

2011-04-25T13:36:00.003-06:00

As mentioned previously (first & second), my little arsonist heart has been demanding fire lately.

Most of what I did this weekend was sob. And pray. Essentially, it was three days of weepy prayers. So the opportunity to burn was a blessing. It was simple and beautiful devastation.

"People who think dying is the worst thing don't know a thing about life" -The Secret Life of Bees

2011-04-23T14:55:00.002-06:00

You don’t plan on an accident. Especially if you’re careful and cautious, guarded and thoughtful, it could never happen.

My drive home Thursday consisted of dramatic weather that changed nearly every hour. In the final hour of the trip, after having made it over the mountain passes in blinding snowstorm, I was happy that there was only a bit of rain coming down. This is nothing compared to what I’ve already encountered and passed through unharmed. No sweat.

The road was long and flat. No more blind turns and hilly terrain to stress about. This was simple.

A semi truck pulling two trailers started to pass me. We were the only two on the road within sight, and even though he was barely moving faster than I was, he felt the need to get ahead.

The next few seconds are a blur. Only halfway past me with the nose of my truck at the start of his second trailer, he flipped on his turn signal and swerved back into my lane. To say he cut me off would be an understatement. He forcibly shoved his 30-foot trailer into the road I was clearly using. I braked and screeched, dodging over to the shoulder and feeling my trailer threatening to roll.

I’m still not entirely sure how he didn’t hit me or how I didn’t find myself sideways in a ditch. I regained control, pulled back into my lane, took a couple deep breaths, and continued onward.

If only it was that simple with the rest of my life. If only I could have dodged and darted and somehow avoided the tangled, burning mess I am experiencing.

“It takes two to make an accident,” Jordan Baker quips in The Great Gatsby.

That’s true. It does.

Two people have to both get in their cars and choose to drive. Knowing all the dangers involved, they still make the decision to travel this way. Accidents seem to happen because one person makes a mistake and another person is too negligent or inattentive to respond quickly and effectively to avoid the collision. The error of one, the aggressiveness of another – these are the scenarios that lead to disaster, right?

But what about just getting blindsided?

You travel along, following all the “rules”, listening to all the advice, putting all your attention and energy into arriving safely. Then, despite the all your work, out of nowhere you are slammed into and forced off the road.

People come to help. You receive all the aid and attention that can be given. That doesn’t reverse the fact you were in a crash. You are no longer moving toward to your destination. Instead, you are lying in foreign, unexpected place, shaken and unsure what to do with yourself. How do you ever willingly get back in a car and drive? How can you ever be happy standing still when all your focus, energy, and desires were on making it to the end unharmed?

Everyone around you seems to be able to travel safely. They continue moving while you try desperately to wrap your mind around the questions of “why?”, “how?”, and “what now?”.

You don’t plan on an accident, yet you still find yourself alone, bruised and battered, after the fact.

You don’t plan on it. You may worry or acknowledge the possibility but never plan. Besides, no amount of planning could have prepared you for this.

(sabino)

(no title)

2011-04-22T23:31:00.002-06:00

"I'll go if you promise to shoot me in the face," I told Dominick this afternoon.

"[Long pause] Uhh...we'll talk about that later. I really think this will make you feel better," he insisted.

Surprisingly, while we were there, it did help. It was a much needed respite from what the rest of my day has been.

697 miles

2011-04-22T22:19:00.002-06:00

I left Eden yesterday and drove home to Spokane. It was a long drive, especially since Darwin was pulling a trailer loaded with boxes, which prevented us from going faster than 62 mph. Ugggh...so slow...I passed one vehicle the whole trip. Just one. It was a bulldozer.

Not only did it take 27% longer than usual (actually calculated that number), but the drive was emotionally and physically difficult. I cried multiple times. (Note: do NOT listen to "This American Life" when in a fragile emotional state. Every human interest story (so, every story) will make you cry.) I encountered every possible type of weather. I had to verbally remind myself at mile 61 of the trip that it was not okay to close your eyes while moving down the freeway no matter how bored+tired you may be. Several important safety features on my car quit working. Oh, and I almost got in a horrible car crash. (Seriously, I narrowly avoided a major accident but more on that another time.)

For most of the five years I've lived in Utah, being told I was done and leaving for good would have made me thrilled. However, as expected, yesterday it just felt bleak and heavy and exactly the opposite of all I wanted.

I'll explain more later. Right now all this is doing is making me feel tired and weak. I really just intended to post some pictures, so here we go.

Montana and I are only used to seeing each other at 90 mph, so it was nice to spend some more quality time together.

I passed through Idaho twice. The first time (left) I thought I might be entering hell; the second time, just the opposite.

(no title)

2011-04-20T20:53:00.003-06:00

"The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd; the longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world's existence. All these half-tones of the soul's consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are."

-Fernando Pessoa

(via Booklover)

(i am the crime)

(no title)

2011-04-20T17:42:00.002-06:00

The check came at lunch today along with the expected 3 fortune cookies.

Mine read: "Your first choice is the wisest one to make."

Uhh...I got the wrong fortune.

Thank you, cookie makers, for reminding me of exactly what I didn't want to hear.

(no title)

2011-04-19T23:17:00.005-06:00

Cycle up. Cycle back down. Bounce from one stage of grief to the next then on to another like I’m in a pinball machine.

Some days, I’ll rest on one mood for hours, settling in to the familiarity it provides. “You know,” I think “I’ll be fine if I just stay angry/depressed/bargaining forever. I could get used to this.” But then, whether it’s a phone call, a memory, or just the passing of enough time, something happens, and I’m on to the next stage.

Today I’ve ridden the entire carrousel of emotions several times. It’s exhausting. The transitions have been so rapid, it’s difficult to even be cognizant of what’s happening until after the fact. “Oh, you see what you did there? You just went from angry to accepting to depressed in 45 seconds. Now you’re sobbing in your car on the side of a busy road. Way to hold it together.”

How do you go from feeling loved and hopeful to feeling abandoned and lost in less than a minute? I’m not entirely sure, but I managed to accomplish it four or five times this evening in under 2 hours. Oh, did I mention I was in public? Perfect.

(you and me and the devil makes three)

Bang, Bang

2011-04-19T22:36:00.000-06:00

Dear 20-something kid in the attractively beat-up pickup truck,

We've spent a good 20 minutes on the road with each other, so I feel it's acceptable to communicate. Here's the thing. You know how you keep tailgating me until I move over to let you pass and then you slow to 5 mph below the limit? Are you trying to flirt or just being a douche? I have a lot of emotion in my life right now that could be easily channeled into road rage. Especially since I'm listening to this song.

Just wanted to give you fair warning.

-HB

That Thing You Do & Walk the Line

2011-04-19T01:52:00.002-06:00

2 movies – that was all the time it took to sort and pack my life today.

It seems like this should take days, even weeks. The emotional weight tied to this move is immense. I want to escape Utah, where everything reminds me of memories and lost opportunities. But, leaving also feels like an irreversible reaction. Maybe if I just stayed and waited I could get everything back. Driving away from here means killing possibilities in the hopes that someday, maybe, perhaps I can once again be happy.

With all this turmoil associated with this transition, shouldn’t it take longer to physically do it? Shouldn’t this be more difficult to execute?

P.S. Still searching for an ax. Dang it.

(no title)

2011-04-17T22:04:00.005-06:00

I’m going along. I haven’t even had a reason to cry today. I’ve been in constant motion.

Shower, car, train, Trax, walk, lunch. Old friends. Reasons to laugh. Take pictures. Hope for the future. Car, train, walk, car, hike, car, home. Peace.

Then, BAM! A few sentences into a phone call, one I’d been anticipating and anxiously awaiting, I’m someone else. I’m in a heap on the kitchen floor, grateful the house is empty so I don’t have to stifle the sobs. The door I’d locked is kicked open. The possibility I’ve shunned, denied, disbelieved seizes me.

I can pick my body off the ground. I can slow the falling tears. I can remember the reasons to hope.

But that “what if” and “it may happen” have taken root. Now everything seems dimmer and less complete.

I need some emotional ax to hack this thing to pieces.

(oh my buddha)

Eden, UT

2011-04-17T21:57:00.004-06:00

Look where I've been/still am living. So breathtaking. I love it.

Downhouse Girls 2007-2008

2011-04-17T21:39:00.005-06:00

I met Anne and Kaity, my past & wonderful roommates, in Salt Lake on Saturday for a much needed reunion/goodbye lunch. Holy cow, the food was good. We ate real meals before dessert, but I was too busy stuffing my face to remember to take pictures.

These women are marvelous and have helped me through some very trying times in my life. Not only that, they managed to live with me for a whole year when I was 19, which makes them saints.

They are both so beautiful

By far the most stressful part of the day: choosing dessert

Anne is darling

Kaity is lovely

This was my dessert. The time lapsed between these photos

was only a few seconds, I'm sure.

Good quotes from the afternoon:

"All your hopes and dreams for the future already are and will come true." -Kaity

"You're the best exister ever." -Anne

Letters to Necessary Seatbelt

2011-04-17T19:37:00.005-06:00

I found this scribbled on a scrap of paper from weeks ago.

You should have let me drive. A nearly fatal car crash would be better than this.

I wish that sentence didn’t still draw me in. Usually, it doesn’t. Driving home Friday night after being reminded of the abundant love in my life, I knew a brush with death was not what I wanted. I drove fast but carefully. My little brother and sister will fill my summer with joy. I want to experience that.

And yet…

I’ll be driving somewhere and suddenly a glimpse of a thought enters my consciousness. Whether for a fraction of a second or a few, it’s there. The cement barrier looks so inviting. It would only take the slightest flick of my wrist.

Change lanes. Turn up the music. Shake my head to rattle the temptation loose. You’ve made it this far. Don’t close your eyes and drift.

Still…like fire, it could be brilliant.

Rarely suicidal, Hannabeth

(no title)

2011-04-17T14:35:00.000-06:00

Spring is coming. Perhaps it's even here. This winter was long and cold, but now I hope it's behind me. It can only get better, right?

In place of

2011-04-17T14:33:00.000-06:00

This hasn't gone away yet. I've developed a nervous habit or twitch where I run my thumb up and down my ring finger, as if I'm searching frantically for what's missing.

But, I've found a solution. Actually, I've been generously given the solution.

Claire, who is cooler and sweeter and more lovely than I'll ever be, made the Relief Society sisters friendship bracelets. (Do you hear how cool that sentence is? She made them. Along with a beautiful quilt and who knows what else because she never ceases to amaze me.) So I now have this red band tied around my wrist to remind me of the sisterhood to which I belong and women in my life who have propped me up and kept me going the last three weeks.

When I miss my ring, I focus my attention and fidgeting on this new symbol - one of love and strength and support. I can't replace what lost, but I can cherish what I have.

Sisters

2011-04-17T14:29:00.001-06:00

In addition to this, Thursday night was also wonderful because I was able to spend it with some of the wonderful women in my Relief Society.

(The room was really dark, so let's pretend the blurry photos are artsy.)

We chatted and roasted marshmallows over candles. Claire made us friendship bracelets. I sat on the couch with Lisa while she taught me how to work my camera.

It felt normal and comfortable and warm. I was reminded again, as I have been countless times this year, that I am surrounded by beautiful, faithful, powerful women in the church. Thanks to the inspired program of Relief Society, I get to rub shoulders and be lifted by those much better, stronger, kinder than me.

The thought for my Sunday

2011-04-17T09:13:00.000-06:00

Today marks 3 weeks. I don't know how I've made it this far. The time feels like a blur but also infinite and acute, like I've winced with every tick of the clock.

I have been blessed more in the past 21 days than ever before. I have prayed more earnestly and been more sustained by the prayers of others than I thought possible. I have cried more, sworn more, searched more, missed more, lost more...

One of the many wonderful people in my life (you know who you are & you're helping me more than you could know) gave me this gift:

"When you're so low and humbled, everything seems wonderful because it's all better than where you are."

This not only offers me hope but sets something for me to strive for. I am at one of the lowest points in my frantic life, and consequently, I have everything to love. Every moment, person, experience can and should be wonderful and uplifting because it is greater than where I am. Because of my sadness, happiness will be easy to find. I look forward to the coming weeks because, in spite of the inevitable darkness, there will be an overflowing of brilliance.

(tired after midday)

Letters to Nostalgic Speech

2011-04-16T22:37:00.005-06:00

Driving on the freeway - new music from friends - ipod on shuffle

This song starts playing. I am hearing a prayer I've said for the past 3 weeks, and the road starts to blur in the tears.

Since that moment, I've listened to it hourly.

All I can do is beg that you will somehow, perhaps someday understand.

Mixed with regret and love, Hannabeth

I've been away a year and a day
You recognize love after the fact
You did what you did and that was that

Don't say words you don't mean
When I'm gone, please speak well of me

Looking back now, I only wish I had been kinder
Did I ever know love? Did I ever know love?
And could I have been blinder?

Don't say words you don't mean
When I'm gone, please speak well of me

Don't hold back all your love
For someday, for someday

I would say that I'm sorry if it would do any good
But to never regret means you have to forget
And I don't think that I could

Don't say words you don't mean
When I'm gone, when I'm gone
When I'm gone, please speak well of me

(More) Retail Therapy

2011-04-16T22:33:00.005-06:00

So, I bought one more dress to join this dress in my closet. I need to stop spending money now, but, come on, this beauty was 50% off. It was nearly mandatory that I got it. Now all I need to accessorize it is a mansion with a balcony and a long cigarette to smoke.

Brownie Truffles

2011-04-16T22:31:00.001-06:00

We made these Thursday night because we're trying to qualify for the accelerated course to contract diabetes. (We're overachievers. No big deal.) They were amazing.

Steps (really complicated, see if you can follow):

-Bake brownies

-Crumble the brownies

-Grap a chunk of said crumble and wrap it around a Rolo

-Dip the chocolate ball in melted chocolate

-Top with pretzel bits

-Try (pretty difficult) to let the chocolate cool before shoving them in your face in quick succession

"God never leaves us alone"

2011-04-16T22:30:00.005-06:00

"Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind." -Elder Holland

Thursday night I left Eden to enter the dark cloud that Provo has become for me. While driving toward the place that only makes me want to flee, I told my Heavenly Father that I couldn't handle this again. I couldn't keep returning to this place that only accentuated my grief. I needed...well...I didn't even know what, but I needed help. Not long after that plea, I received a tender mercy.

It came via the internet*. What started as confusion mixed with curiosity ended a few mouse clicks later with me crying as I starred at the screen while I whispered a prayer of gratitude. One beautiful person's exposure and vulnerability provided me a glimpse into a single moment of their life. That glimpse made me feel more loved and lifted than I had in days.

You know who you are. I can only describe you as miraculous. You are beautiful and wonderful and miraculous.

*which just reaffirms my belief that, despite the evil and filth that may exist online, there is so much beauty and goodness that one can experience by being and participating here

April 15, 2011, 5:30-9:30

2011-04-16T22:29:00.001-06:00

Post-thesis shindig+last chance to see some of the people in Provo I love

Thoughts:

-I love these people

-I was really REALLY tired after my defense (where I talked for 70 minutes straight and then had to field questions for another hour), so if I was weird, that's part of the reason

-I really like pie

-My introverted self was overwhelmed with all the people and attention, but I was so happy to see everyone

-I have beautiful friends - I mean look at these pictures - How do I know so many super-attractive people?

-The camera died about 30 minutes in, so I don' t have pictures of everyone (dang it)

-Alyssa took these, not me - that's why they're good

-I haven't felt this loved in weeks - It was glorious

Now some photos to demonstrate how attractive my friends are:

Hot, always

Again, hot

So lovely and pretty

This is my favorite picture :)

Lindsey is always so pretty

Drooling...

We are now going to take a break from the good-looking people to bring you a 2-part special called "What is wrong with my face?!"

Yikes...oh dear...

Lovely

Mike made tamales because, duh, what else do you bring to a party to go along with pies?

The only photo where my mouth isn't open and weird

An entire group of pretty people

Again, all attractive :)

Explanation: Chris NEVER gives hugs. This was such an exciting moment for me. I'm glad it's captured on film.

This girl is for real. She's the closest thing I know to a style socialite. Gorgeous.

I love them & they're all so pretty.

April 15, 2011, 2:30-5:00 pm

2011-04-16T22:27:00.000-06:00

Thesis defended.

Now it's just a matter of fixing some typos and rewording some sentences, and it will be signed, sealed, delivered. Whew.

Though I've had various attitudes about my thesis this past year, I will happily admit that over the past three weeks it has been a blessing. Often, working on it was the only time I felt okay. I would sit to write or I'd call Dr. Bell to discuss the project and feel content. It was a reminder that I was good at something. I may suck as a fiancee, girlfriend, daughter, roommate, sister, woman in Relief Society, but dang it, I am a good scientist and can write about and defend my research well.

I know you are all DYING to read it. It's probably near the top of your list, right after the ingredients label on your bag of Doritos and just above that "Terms and Conditions" form of your iTunes software. Well, first of all, calm down and breathe. You'll all get a chance. It should be in the library in the next couple of weeks.

Look for it under my name or the title "Possible Molecular Mechanism to Account for Wavelength Dependence of Equilibration Rates of Patman and Laurdan in Phosphatidylcholine Bilayers".

Now you're really freaking out with excitement, huh?

Camera

2011-04-16T21:55:00.003-06:00

I bought a camera. I love it. There are a lot of beautiful people, places, moments in my life & now I have a way to capture them. That itself is a blessing.

So...so...tired

2011-04-15T23:59:00.002-06:00

Well, this problem from yesterday has been solved, at least for now. I have dozens (yes- plural) posts I need (need? really? more like will) to write. I'll get on it tomorrow. Right now I need to go sleep for ~31 hours.

(no title)

2011-04-14T23:44:00.000-06:00

There's so much I want to express and describe about today but am finding myself unable. It's like my mouth has been stopped. Like my voice has abandoned me and left me mute.

I hope it's temporary. Lately, all I feel like I have control over is my voice. When everything else seems out of my control, I can still find a way to speak. I write here. I write in journals. I talk to those around me. I reach out to those I otherwise might be too timid to do so. For the first two weeks, I called my mom first thing every morning and sobbed and rambled on the phone for an hour. The point is I always had/have had something to say.

Now I'm drawing a blank. I feel like I'm regressing. It's like I've hit a brick wall and despite my best efforts to the contrary, am shutting down emotionally.

Today has been overwhelming for sure. I need that to be the reason for my inner silence. Because, if day after day I come to this well and find it dry, I don't know if I'll ever feel again. If I become permanently numb now, I don't think I'll ever recover as I so desperately desire.

Regardless of what it has to say or the pain it wants to express, I pray that I'll be reunited with my voice by tomorrow.

(this isn't happiness)

Temple

2011-04-13T22:46:00.004-06:00

This place makes me feel so much better. Granted, each time I've gone in recent weeks, I've cried my eyes out. Last time, the little old lady who was the temple worker told me to stand up so she could give me a hug. "You really need this," she whispered as she embraced me. "More than I ever thought I would," I nearly replied.

Letters to Narwhale Syndrome

2011-04-13T22:41:00.001-06:00

There’s something about hearing your voice that kills me.

As I float through each day, you’re on my mind. A lot. But it’s more like a phantom version of you or just the idea of you. Everything is in my head, so I can change scenes or circumstances at my will. Much of what I dwell on is hypothetical, and I’m getting better at blocking concrete memories that are too painful and heartbreaking to handle. When it comes to the loss, most of that was hypothetical as well. I lost the idea of marriage to you and of spending the rest of our lives together. I’d yet to experience those except in my imagination.

But...on the phone you’re real and present. I am more clearly reminded of all I once had and all that was taken from me. I remember something I loved about you, some idiosyncrasy you have that had slipped my mind. You take on a solid form once again, and consequently, I’m thrown back into panic mode. I run scenarios and conversations over and over and over again in my mind. I search for some loophole to fix everything.

I wish it wasn’t so. I wish I had thick enough skin or was shutdown enough emotionally for the experience to not even phase me. But that’s not the case. I gave my whole self to you. As I’ve made efforts to recover and reattach my fragments, it is clear that you will forever hold a piece of my heart. I will always have hole that only you have the ability to fill. Hearing your voice again made that clear.

Love, Hannabeth

P.S. This is not to say that I don’t want to speak to or even see you. I absolutely want to, especially when something needs to be said. This is just a notification – you still (and likely always will) affect me.

(no title)

2011-04-12T22:58:00.002-06:00

Here's to catching up with your oldest friend, even if it's been years (far far too long) since you've last seen them. There's something about having that person who knew you when you were that awkward, ugly, ridiculous teenager that is just irreplaceable.

Thanks for still being wonderful, Becky. You made my day.

On our 2005 road trip

(stolen from facebook)

Cliché

2011-04-12T22:54:00.002-06:00

I’m bought a camera. (Yeah, I know. Me and every other person with a Tumblr or Flickr account.) I’m certain I have no skills or talent when it comes to photography. (Plug: but I have some awesome friends (Lauren, Amy Jo) who are incredibly talented.)

Much like my writing here on this blog, photography for me will undoubtedly be a muddled and clumsy endeavor. However, (again, much like my writing) I’m feeling drawn to do it. I have a need to capture and preserve the moments of happy and beauty I experience. They are so abundant, but when the darkness closes in, so easy to forget.

So, stay tuned. I'm already planning some great photo adventures.

“…thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else…” –Harry Potter 5

2011-04-12T13:41:00.004-06:00

My subconscious seems to have it out for me. While I slowly make progress each day, at night my mind pulls me back into misery. I work and work while awake to build hope and happiness out of what remains for me only to have it dismantled far too frequently in my dreams.

I drift to sleep and then suddenly am pushed or pulled to a date - past, present, future, or imaginary. I’m thrust into a complex and twisted maze where all I can do is react. Everything seems to be out of my control, but it all affects me. I’m left to desperately salvage what is left for me. To grasp at whatever I can find to offer hope of repair. To panic and beg with the phantoms and persons who I believe can help put everything back together.

“Don’t you see?” I cried last night to some faceless being, “All I want is the love back. I swear I’ll work and improve if you can only restore what was promised me.”

Most often, I still fail. Even in my dreams I can’t succeed. I am left wanting, realizing I have never been enough - good enough, kind enough, pure enough. So, with each nightmare, I am must newly mourn and ache with the loss.

Worse than failure, however, is the rare promise of success. I awake in a frenzy and then have the realization settle upon me that it was a lie. Now awake, I feel the loss just as deeply.

I don’t know why my mind continues to torture me in sleep. I have literally been stabbed, pushed off cliffs, or dropped by the side of a desert road during the course of some dreams. I have begged, cried, bargained, and promised but, usually, to no avail.

I am left alone and abandoned, told again and again this was my fault. While awake, I can believe that I bear less than the entire burden of responsibility. But, once asleep, my mind focuses on and batters my insecurities. It knows my weaknesses and uses them to tear me to pieces.

My worst nightmares used to consist of snakes slithering into my room. I’d see them slip under the door and cover the floor, a carpet of heavy, thick, black coils. They’d crawl up my bed, wrap themselves around my ankles, wrists, and head. I would wake up in a cold sweat and rush to shove a towel into the crack under the door. With the reassurance that I had now sealed off my room, I could usually fall back asleep. Now, however, I can’t find a way to lock and seal up these anxieties. They run rampant each night, doing their best to pull me deeper into the darkness and ensure I never escape the puzzles of “what ifs” and “if onlys”. They taunt me with their hope and false possibilities. They seem to be proving once again that I am not enough, as I’m not even enough to withstand myself.

(ursa major)

This may explain to many of you why I'm still/once again single

2011-04-12T00:22:00.003-06:00

Email

Date: April 11, 2:10 pm

Recipients: roommates

Subject: Imma tell ya one time

Message: I'm lying in a hospital bed, wearing a revealing gown, typing this with only my left hand because I have an IV in my right, and emailing you yet another Bieber song. I'm not sure if that makes me cool or super lame, but you have to love me anyway.

*The answer to that question, self of 10 hours ago, is lame. And ridiculous.*